A Tourist In My Own Homeland
Geetha Narayanan recounts her experiences of visiting Chennai, the city of her birth after the demise of both parents.
Geetha Narayanan
Chennai to California
My husband and I moved to California over 30 years ago and the Bay Area became my second home after Chennai. Over the years, my parents visited us here a few times and, as their only child, I made sure to visit Chennai as much as I could.
As my parents aged and as I raised two kids, it was very hard to make frequent trips to India. It became even more challenging when my kids entered high school. Even their summers were filled with curricular and extracurricular activities. My parents also started facing their own health challenges and it became harder for me to bring them to the U.S. and provide the care they needed.
The sandwich generation
I belonged to the ‘sandwich generation’ – raising kids in a new country while taking care of my parents remotely. While it is normal for adults to have demands from both their growing children and aging parents, the geographical distance and differing cultures add their own layers of complications.
Last December, I went to Chennai – the city that used to be home to my parents, and me while growing up – not as a daughter, but as a tourist. I landed in Chennai, got picked up by my regular cab driver, and drove to an Airbnb. This is the first time I visited my hometown and stayed in an Airbnb! The location was close to the school I had attended in my youth and triggered intense nostalgia.
I remembered my mother walking me to school through those roads. I saw my old tutor’s home from outside – no idea who lives there now! I took a picture of the road in the early morning hours before the city woke up. So much has changed, but the memories of the yesteryears are still fresh in my mind.
A stranger in my own city
It was a weird feeling of being a stranger in my own home city. I wanted to shake the city by its shoulders and shout, “It is me!”
I also went to my mother’s apartment, which is now occupied by a tenant. There was no one waiting for me with a hot cooked meal. My mother used to welcome me with an aarti. There was so much excitement in her when I came to visit. We would visit relatives, shop, eat out and, of course, go to a variety of temples.
I also walked over to our local temple. As I inhaled the fragrances of the Tulasi malai there – a familiar smell that, for some reason, moved me to tears. I could also not explain my sudden affection for everyday sights and sounds, the sweeping of the roads, kolams in front of houses in my street, and joyful shrieks of the neighborhood children.
A sense of emptiness
Losing my mother suddenly created a sense of emptiness in me. I am also, probably, grieving the loss of my identity as a daughter and no one to call ‘Amma and Appa’. Losing both parents has taught me that the vacuum is real and the emptiness does bring a sadness that cannot be explained in words – only felt. And yes, it intensifies during festivals, birthdays or anniversaries.
I have many relatives and cousins in Chennai and made it a point to visit them. They were all very hospitable and kind, but I guess nothing could replace my mom’s warmth. I had always thought that the Bay Area was my home, but losing my childhood identity was stinging!
Being a tourist in Chennai and Tamil Nadu, however, came with its perks. For one, I could stay wherever I wanted and we chose places close to key shopping and cultural centers. My kids and I could walk to points of interest and we had a lovely time savoring some truly unique establishments – a custom perfumery store that creates a fragrance for your specific personality, a jewelry store that offers nose rings based on Tamil Nadu’s medieval dynasties and many more. This was also the visit where I could spend time as a mother and a wife, and my family very much appreciated it.
My family helped me create exciting new memories and, maybe, that is not too bad! I looked at Chennai through a new lens as I continued to seek new experiences in my old town. This is, perhaps, what life is all about: a quest for new experiences.
Geetha Narayanan
Marriage & Family Therapist, LMFT
Healing and Growth
I guide my clients towards clarity, connection, meaning, and a deeper understanding of themselves and their world view. Together, we cultivate a relationship of mutual respect that may heal and allow one’s best hopes to be achieved. I have been in practice for over 15 years have worked with individuals, children adolescents and couples