Are You An Empty Nester?
Parenting kids in a bicultural environment takes so much emotional and physical energy that its sometimes hard to find purpose and fulfillment when children fly the nest.
Geetha Narayanan
A transitional period
‘Empty nest syndrome’ is a transitional period in our lives that is typically endured in loneliness and a sense of loss. It is commonly experienced when our child leaves the home to step out into the real world. The cycle of life requires our children to grow up and lead independent lives and this phase is both exciting and frightening, both to the parent and child. Feelings of sadness may be more pronounced among women who, in many cases, may have been the primary caregivers.
As a first-generation immigrant who raised two children in the US, I have experienced that most of the caregiving is undertaken by the parents alone, without any immediate or extended family to rely upon. That not only takes up a lot of mental space but raising kids in a bicultural environment consumes both emotional and physical energy. Throughout our lives, we are identified through our relationships – as someone’s son/daughter, sibling, spouse, daughter-in-law, or parent. Our self-image is shaped by these assigned roles, and especially in Eastern cultures, the imprint of these can be deep and lasting.
Many, in our parents’ generation, immersed themselves in taking care of children, elderly parents, and extended family members – which left them with very little room to develop personal hobbies or outside interests. I still remember the shock of loss my parents experienced when I moved out of the country! Thankfully, parents today have a broader field of engagement and interest and a life beyond childcare. All the same, the draw of love and affection for one’s child has not changed with the times, and the distress of an empty nest is still felt deeply.
“Our job as parents is to teach our kids not to need us. And it hurts, but when you see them as accomplished, confident, kind, thoughtful, responsible people, then you know you’ve done your job.” – Barack Obama
Give yourself a pat on the back
It is important to remember that our children venturing out of the parental cocoon is a marker of how much we have accomplished! We deserve to pat ourselves on the back and remember that their independence is not a form of abandonment but an expression of a job well done.
Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, reasons to stay.” – Dalai Lama
Renew hobbies, a career, or educational goals
Instead of focusing attention on the child’s departure, people can cope with the transition by spending time on travel, hobbies, friends and renewed career or educational goals. This time in your life is not about the loud-quiet, but about learning to listen to your personal needs and appreciate the freedom – for many of us, this may be unnatural and will require effort!
For many couples, coping with an empty nest is mitigated somewhat by remaining in contact with their child. Reaching out for social support can also be helpful in times of stress or loneliness. In addition, diligent self-care—in the form of a healthy diet, plenty of sleep, exercise, and downtime—is recommended.
“I think the hardest thing for a mother is to make it possible for a child to be independent and at the same time let the child know how much you love her, how much you want to take care of her, and yet how truly essential it is for her to fly on her own.” – Madeleine Albright.
Spiraling Risk
In some cases, the Empty Nest Syndrome leads to intense feelings of sadness, loss, loneliness, distress, or a loss of purpose and meaning in life. During this time, many other coincident transitions may take place for middle-aged parents such as menopause, demands from their aging parents, and financial pressures. Unresolved family issues, marital or personal issues that have been put aside while parenting, might suddenly resurface. If the parent and child had a relationship of conflict, detachment, or hostility, both parent and child may suffer more after the child departs from home.
Seek professional help
Professional help is recommended if these feelings start to impact one’s social and professional interactions. Talk therapy does help with this life transition for most of the affected people. A health professional may even recommend prescription medications.
Positive relationships give all parties a better chance at healthy interaction, which is necessary for young adults moving toward independence, as well as for parents who are advancing in age.
Suggestions for parents and caregivers
- Having a meaningful and supportive relationship between parents and teens is crucial during this phase. In certain situations, conflict, detachment, or hostility between parents and teens could cause a strained relationship. It is helpful to seek a family therapist who can assist them in gaining insight and strategies to improve their relationship.
- Rekindle a hobby, renew an interest, or pursue your educational or even business goals that you may not have had the time to explore when life got in the way.
- Set a goal within the first few months after your child leaves for college, and set specific milestones against each idea to track progress.
- Schedule regular communication with your teen to maintain connection and support. Discuss openly with your teen and acknowledge how your roles are changing to navigate this transition positively. `
- DO NOT engage in your teen’s life too deeply by helping them out with their day-to-day food, laundry, etc. Our kids are not our projects. Teens need space to create their own lives, do their chores, and be independent. Volunteer in your community and undertake activities that draw and envelop your attention.
- Seek out and nurture relationships in your community where you can openly discuss your feelings and experiences.
- It is a great opportunity for couples to reassess their relationships, renegotiate their expectations of each other, and recreate new memories. In certain situations, seeking couples therapy can assist them with this process.
Create a sense of identity
In conclusion, empty nesting does not have to be all bad and miserable when your child leaves your nest. You can actively pursue your goal and passion to create a sense of identity that can enhance your personal growth and fulfillment during this new phase of your life.
Geetha Narayanan
Marriage & Family Therapist, LMFT
Photo by Grégoire Bertaud on Unsplash
Healing and Growth
I guide my clients towards clarity, connection, meaning, and a deeper understanding of themselves and their world view. Together, we cultivate a relationship of mutual respect that may heal and allow one’s best hopes to be achieved. I have been in practice for over 15 years have worked with individuals, children adolescents and couples